Tantrums

№1 Well, here we go. There he stands, all red, tears flowing like a fountain, and most importantly – that sound. That heart-wrenching scream. “This scream is not a cry for help; with this scream, he will drill his way to a small part of my brain – the amygdala. And I will explode too.”

№2 Well, here we go. There he stands, all red, tears flowing like a fountain, and most importantly – that sound. That heart-wrenching scream. “He seems to have taken something very close to heart. He must be really upset and decided to raise a ruckus out of that upset. Poor thing, such big emotions!”

Question: Who will explode first – №1 or №2? 🙂

Your attitude toward children’s tantrums will determine your reaction to them. If you believe that you are responsible for every disappointment and dissatisfaction of the child, and that their scream is a message directed at you: “Mom, you made a mistake somewhere; fix it!”, then it will be hard for you to handle a tantrum. Most likely, you won’t resist the “temptation” and will join the little one.

If you understand that there is room in the child’s life for feelings that need to be reacted to, but there is also plenty of room for feelings that the child can just experience on his own, then you will likely categorize tantrums as a way to experience feelings. You will find it not as hard to stay in your safety zone. That’s what I call the state when you are present, when you respond succinctly and calmly, and do not lose your composure.

When you react calmly to a child’s tantrum, you know that:

• This is the best way to help the child cope with their anger – to see your unwavering calmness and firm stance. And also that you don’t want to get drawn into an argument.
• The tantrum poses no threat to either the child or you. It’s just a strong feeling. And the child expresses it as they know how. All children do this!
• If you approach tantrums calmly, the child will feel that their uncomfortable behavior is accepted and not rejected. This will help them feel more confident and serve as an antidote to future tantrums. But not immediately; patience will be required.
• It’s better to give the child the opportunity to cope with their feelings independently by telling them that you are nearby and ready to support them when they calm down a bit and can talk.
• You can discuss what happened when the child feels better. It’s even more helpful to talk about it later when the child is in a good mood.
• If the child is very young, you can distract them. Show them that they can deal with the horrible feeling of frustration simply by starting to do something interesting or new – they will enjoy it.